Wondering how or when to tell your child they were carried by a surrogate? It is best to tell your child at an early age, in an age-appropriate way. It is important to keep the dialog going as your child grows, so that they can understand their origin. Try gathering information about how and why you chose this journey, if possible, include your surrogate.

  • Begin talking about surrogacy early when your child is still young.
  • Use an age-appropriate explanation and emphasize families can be made in many different ways.
  • Document your journey, if possible, include the surrogate and donor.
  • Keep the conversation going to help normalize and strengthen honesty within the family.

How Should I Prepare for Telling my Child they were Carried by a Surrogate?

The best way to prepare for the “where did I come from?” question is to start early; right after conception, if you can. The trick to talking to kids about surrogacy is to find a way to tell the story in an age-appropriate way.

  • Try to gather as much information as you can about how you chose your surrogate and how the journey unfolded.
  • Record your surrogacy journey by taking photos and videos of yourself and your surrogate, write a blog, or create a scrapbook of mementos. Be sure to include a contribution from your surrogate, too.
  • If a donor was involved, you can still document the journey of your pregnancy just as any parent would. Take photos and videos where it is possible.
  • Include all the people involved in the process that helped bring your baby into the world.

Why Tell Your Children they were carried by a Surrogate?

Many psychologists and reproductive experts firmly believe that children have a right to know their origins. Sharing this story contributes to:

  • Their sense of identity, self-esteem, and how they view their place in the world.
  • Understanding certain differences between you and them – whether in terms of looks, size, characteristics, or talents.
  • Trust within the family.

You’ll also have to disclose your child’s familial history every time he or she visits the doctor, which can get tricky if you’re trying to keep it a secret from your child.

While LGBTQ families are much more common these days, if you’re a same-sex parent household, your children will likely have to face questions from other people about their family. Sharing this story can help prepare them for when they are questioned or even challenged about having two moms, two dads, or only one parent.

When Should You Tell Your Child?

Children mature at different rates, so there is no definite age at which a child may be old enough to fully grasp the concept of how they came to be. However, the longer you leave it, the harder it can be to explain:

  • It’s often better for children to learn about their history at an early age when they are still learning about other new things.
  • It’s much easier to tell a very young child about their conception than it is to tell a more mature child.
  • The earlier you make the surrogacy and/or donor process a part of your child’s life, the more natural and comfortable it will be discussing their origins.

Explaining Your Child’s Origin Story

A good place to start is by telling your little one about where babies come from. You can talk about the “natural” way, and then explain that sometimes, a little more help is needed for a baby to be created. Be sure to emphasize that families can be made in many different ways and that it can take more than just a mom or dad to create life. Sometimes, doctors and other people are required, too.

Follow up with lots of small anecdotes about how they grew in their surrogate’s tummy and the day of their birth. There are many children’s books about surrogacy that can be very helpful with this. Even if it seems your child is too young to understand fully, they will be able to retain the basic concepts. This will contribute to their sense of identity as they grow.

Keep the dialogue throughout your child’s life. You may even be able to meet with your surrogate or donor on occasions, which will help with their understanding. Make an effort to include your child in conversations about third-party reproduction, so that they know the lengths that went into bringing them into the world. This will help them feel proud of their origins and have a more open view of how families are made.

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Staci Swiderski, CEO and owner of Family Source Consultants, has been a prominent leader in reproductive medicine for over two decades. Through her strategic vision and dedication, she has developed Family Source Consultants into a globally recognized agency specializing in comprehensive egg donation and gestational surrogacy services. Under Staci’s leadership, the agency has become a trusted partner for intended parents, surrogates, and egg donors worldwide, known for its rigorous standards, compassionate support, and commitment to excellence in third-party reproduction.

Her professional insight is uniquely informed by her own family-building experiences. As an intended parent, Staci welcomed her son via gestational surrogacy in 2005, and as a known egg donor, she assisted an infertile couple in expanding their family. These experiences lend a rare depth to her leadership and have fueled her ongoing dedication to ethical, empathetic, and professional support within the field of reproductive medicine.