During the surrogate intake process, I’ve often heard applicants say “I would love nothing more than to be a surrogate BUT my husband just isn’t okay with it”. While I hate to hear this, I can understand the concern from the husbands. Even during my own surrogacy experience, it was hard to explain to my husband exactly why it was so important for me to experience this journey. The idea of going through the process of getting pregnant and carrying a baby for the benefit of someone else can be very overwhelming for our spouses.
It’s important to keep in mind that because the men in our lives likely don’t feel the emotional draw or overwhelming sense of empathy for the would-be-parents like we do, you may need to stick with the facts when addressing the issue with your spouse.
The three most common concerns husbands have about their wives becoming a surrogate
1. “I don’t want you to have another man’s baby.”
You will not be “having another man’s” baby, you will be carrying another PARENT’S baby. The baby growing in your womb would be just as much NOT YOURS as it’s NOT HIS. The child would be created in a lab, with the genetic materials from your couple (or with an egg donor). You would be “babysitting”, albeit in an extreme fashion, and the process is not going to threaten his place as your husband or the father of your children.
2. “What if something happens to you at birth?”
This concern is valid, but unlikely to happen. As a surrogate, you will have carried your own pregnancies without complication and will have completed a thorough medical and psychological screening process, reducing the likelihood of experiencing any complications.
In your legal agreement, you have the option to include loss of organ fees in the event of a hysterectomy and life insurance is a standard contract item. This is not to minimize the concern for your safety and well-being, but to help offset this concern as something that would prevent you from pursuing your dream of being a surrogate.
It is also recommended that surrogacy not be attempted if your family is not complete and there is a concern about future fertility. It’s commonplace for surrogates to carry for another couple and then go onto have a child of their own afterward, however, if your spouse is concerned to the point of not being on board you may want to agree to discuss your desire after your own family is complete.
3. “Who is going to take care of you and the kids if you go on bed rest?”
Childcare, housekeeping, and lost wages are standard in surrogacy contracts. As your surrogacy agency and advocate, Family Source Consultants would not require him to take on the burden of caring for you, the children, or the home on his own.
Oftentimes the spouse is worried about having to keep the household running smoothly while his wife is away for transfer, feeling ill in the first trimester, or when bed rest is required. It’s only fair to acknowledge this investment of time on his part. Help him keep in mind that it will be a temporary burden for a lifelong sense of accomplishment for you and be a lifelong gift for the parents to be.
If you are considering assisting an individual or couple as a Gestational Surrogate, please contact us at (800) FSC-0529. We’d be happy to answer any concerns you or your spouse may have about the process!